I stepped into a church today. Just for me, not to attend a wedding or funeral, today it was just for me. Spirit had told me to go to this particular church almost a year ago. Its been on my mind since. In light of the cancer diagnosis which occurred around that time and all my contemplation of life and death, it seemed fitting today to once again step into the religious world of my upbringing.
Since middle childhood, I have been interested in happiness....and unhappiness. For much longer I have been interested in God. As an 11 or 12 year old, I was questioning parents and sunday school teachers as to specific stories in the Bible and meaning of God. I was curious why people seemed generally unhappy and stressed. Church seemed to offer little guidance in the realm of happiness. Was God really just interested in rules and obediance and damnation? It never felt right.
Some years later as I decided what to pursue in early adulthood only psychology seemed fitting in its potential to answer my questions. If I hadn't been so disheartened by the church I likely would have gravitated toward theology. Psychology fed my mind but not my spirit. Hints in religious studies and anthropology drew me toward other possibilities. Over the next decades I would delve into branches of Hindiusm and Buddhism as well as Wicca, myth, quantum physics and Indigenous ways of knowing across the world.
Fast forward to the present moment and past year. Life has been kicking my ass and taking apart my preconceived notions in so many ways these past years. Spiritually, it was almost no surprise to receive such a huge uprooting such as a cancer diagnosis. I have intently focused on the emotional, mental and spiritual cleansing the diagnosis has brought forth but came to a standstill in progress this fall. What was I not seeing? What was I not doing?, I asked. Ever intent to do the 'right thing', these questions have filled my mind for some months. Clear that cancer could only be a calling from God to find my joy and drive to LIVE, my prayers have been continual....intent on excavating any remaining wish to escape. What I have consistently seen in myself during these months is a longing to go home to God. This is not new to me or upsetting or unsettling in any way, just familiar. Under this wish for escape I realized there has been a deep belief that "I can't do it", "I am not capable of taking care of myself". "I can't do it", has been a default catch phrase in the mind used when I'm tired as a way to describe all that I have feel incapable of on my own.
That's all nice and good to realize again, but what to do? I'm still left with the tumors, financial strain and the isolation of single parenting. Each of those alone have been cause countless times for wanting to get off the planet. Sigh. To no avail, wishing it does not make it so and I have no interest to end my life as I have great interest in seeing my son thrive and live.
So with this situation and knowing that God is continually supporting me to come home to the Light of my Being, I have sought guidance and surrender and change in all sorts of ways. Stepping into the church today I stared at the images of Jesus and the apostles with the great sun illuminating them. I felt it help me release something. I felt an attunement to the younger me who so innocently and freely loved Spirit before anyone spoke of it.
God is that Light behind everyone. God is the brightness in every person behind the colors. God is the shining spark that inspires a smile and moves the sound of music. God is the Light in my heart that heals and accepts and embraces and hears. God is the magic that I call Love.
With the future as unknown as ever, at least I have been reminded for the millioneth time of my true nature. God is the always the union and freedom I seek. God is the stillness and calm I seek. God is the answer to every question and the place where no questions exist.
I am Home again.