I've been contemplating the cycles of life as we move through fall and towards the end of this year. My body is craving integration.
Life is letting go....and I am too. Nature always shows me what to do. What can I let go of? What thoughts? What emotion? What old habit? What outdated idea?
There's been lots. The "I can't...." shows up for me to let go of. The fear of "what if...." rears itself once in a while related to the body and health. The hopelessness or victim that has shown up in the past when I don't sleep well or have the time I'd like for myself, that one can go too. The staying quiet on some issue when I have an opinion. That one had a stronghold on me. In my head thoughts could assess who I am with, what they may or may not be open to, their mood, my mood, 'can I swear here?', blah blah blah....Saying the perfect right thing bores me now. Being myself feels good.
When I'm really free in that authenticity I notice I'm often still gentle and patient, always open-minded. However, if I'm really myself, I also freely swear, allow my tone and volume to shift, use my body and facial expressions a lot and throw out passionate thoughts as they arrive. It feels really good, more like my 9 or 10 year old. "I don't like that, I do like this." No apologies, no placating. I notice how freely Joshua is black and white in thinking right now. I've lived amidst gray for a long time. It's helpful as a counsellor, facilitator, educator, healer and its very easy for me. Allowing myself to play at the ends of extremes is a growing edge. A remembering.
Speaking of extremes and opposites, Life and Death and Sex and God rock my world. I love how these seemingly opposite realms of existence call me so clearly to truth inside. If I'm really at the edge of Life, of LIVING, then there's no room for half-assed. There is no room there for excuses and ho-hum, it's in or out. When I visit Death in my mind and being, she takes no prisoners, when you fully let go to her, you're gone. There is no room for "maybe" and "I'm not sure". When we really choose to let go of something, if we're not ready we're not ready. That's cool. What I've seen in myself is this 90% wishing for a pattern to end, but not *quite* ready to drop it. Scary to contemplate no more excuses. Scary to admit I am 100% responsible for my Life and Death and for all the moments of my day. ALL.
I learned with Sex that if it's not honorable or going the way that I like or feels good to my heart, then no physical connection is better than the crappy consequences that would follow. I learned with relationship that I'd rather be alone than in something that's ho-hum or just good. Reflecting back I am fully aware of how I was UNABLE to put in my 100%, my 100% voice or commitment or responsibility. I couldn't force myself to be ready or open when I wasn't. Sometimes it's the person, sometimes it's the stage of development or environment or just that day. It's critical to honor the voice and heart every step of the way. It grows self-assertion and confidence and trust in oneself.
In my relationship with God, Goddess, Source, Universe, Existence, Creation, Allah, Brahma, All that Is, I can see now where I haven't been willing. I can see where I have held back. God asks me to embrace all of Life, all of Death, all of Creation and I have resisted. Cancer has called me to a full embrace. I don't know that I would have been able to uncover the energy that I have been holding back without the threat of death at my door. I have wanted to have the occasional excuse of why I couldn't fully actualize my potential. I have wanted the occasional excuse of why I couldn't actually let go. I have wanted the occasional opportunity to blame Life or someone else. Come 'on, isn't the freedom to do that once a month even ok? haha. Not if I want to be free. Even the slightest falling into blame opens up that portal and part of my energy is then lost.
I have wondered why I am so called to speak of Sex and Spirit and Life and Death, the roots and wings of life. The Light and the Dark. The beginning and the end. The Alpha and the Omega. God is all of it. There is no escaping any of it if I want to be free, if I truly want God.
And I do.
And so it is.