Hello my friends,
It feels comforting to know that someone reads this. Thank you. I really appreciate you.
I have so many feelings threatening to overwhelm and freeze action this day. It's time to let go again, in another big way. I guess we are on the other side of a full moon, makes sense.
Breast cancer has been all about listening for me. I guess most everything brings that call, but breast cancer has asked for nothing less than all of me. This morning I struggled with the call to speak to women about breast cancer and emotional healing and the purpose that I have followed for so long; to assist women and men in eliminating shame from the body. How do they intersect? How do I communicate to people about both? The mind is so dualistic. As I'm writing this, why would it even be a question anyway? Does it really matter? Truth is, it doesn't.
What I really want in this moment is to serve people and feel that I am offering my best in all I do. This is what I love every time I am teaching and offering readings and healing. This gives me purpose. This is what I want.
Yet, my mind also wants sooo much more. And it is bloody distracting! It wants a team, it wants a center, it wants people calling me up whom I can help, it wants places to speak.....Ahhh! It has so many questions....How do I post to Instagram and reach the audience that I can help? Do I remove my website now? Should I delete the YT account? on and on, there are dozens more questions....Which course do i focus on? What is the best use of my time for the next hour? If I don't get something done......(insert possible disasters and ongoing struggle)" AND it wants these cancer cells fucking gone. GONE. Way too much distraction. Way too time-consuming. I am so done with it.
To hold such a large vision for global healing and change and then continue to stay tuned in to myself, it has been a huge task. To determine at any given moment what do eat or do that is best for the cancer elimination AND be an entrepreneurial woman staying true to my heart and parent,....more crazy. Just crazy. Never could I have imagined such a life would be asked of me. It has required me to excavate every minute amount of energy available in this body. There is no space for even wasted thoughts....sigh.... It asks me in to focus again....focus and act....tune in....what does the body want? What does the heart want? What is most authentic to you? Right now....just right now....forget about the future, it says.
Grrrrr......my mind says, "i have to worry, I have to plan, I have to do something!!" "And this shouldn't be asked of me anyway!!", the mind exclaims, fighting against what is.
I'm angry about this right now. I'm angry about this calling and path. Angry that I was given cancer. Angry that I am a single parent. Angry that I'm doing it alone. Angry that I still live in a city. Angry that haven't had the money to travel or have a massage or plan ahead anything I would really look forward to. I'm angry at being limited in any way. I have always despised limits and this is no different. I want to yell and get demanding at God, demanding to change my life, NOW, today, not tomorrow. I want ease today. NOW. I want my debt paid off. I want miracles. I want to be free of the cancer cells. I want it NOW today.
It's the mind of a 3 yr old. Soo strong, so powerful and willful. Learning limits. Limits of time, limits of space. Limits of gravity and how realities are created here. These limits are the very things that have had me hate being on this planet. It's like I came from a different world where there is an immediate reality manifested from a thought of feeling. I think the movie was "What dreams may come"
It's just never fast enough it seems...sigh.....
In addition to being from another space and time, I realize that the desire for speed and feelings of urgency and impatience result from stress and a results-oriented mind. It also comes from a mind and reality that is in lack. Whatever the lack is about, lack begets panic. Lack begets impatience and stress. Lack begets suffering. It's nothing new. Everyone has heard, "focus on what you have".
It seems that cancer brought out deeply established fear thoughts. They have challenged me greatly in the last 10 months. The mind believes there is lack of ability and lack of time to accomplish all that I would like and that there is lack of money to deal with the cancer in the ways I would like so I can be at ease. (belief that I cannot be at ease without this) As I have shared so often, in the moment, the opportunity is to not attend to the lack or fear, in the moment, the opportunity is to find the breath and recognize again, what is here now. In the moment there is so much.
Related to the lack of time, if my mind focused on the fact that I have spent 2 hours on this website and blog and accomplished nothing else related to work, I'd feel frustrated and impatient again. And I do.....but this is not where to focus. Right now I have a full belly, full of breath and life and nourishment. Right now, I have a lovely home and son and so many friends (not that I ever see them, the mind says with more frustration). Right now I am capable and strong and healthy. Right now I have clean water and air and a clear mind. I have food in the fridge. I have the rain to feel on my skin. I have the forest and ocean nearby. I have so many lovely birds that visit the yard. I have so much love and wisdom and faith inside. I have my relationship with Spirit. I have lovely family. I have opportunity to express myself and be heard. I have hands to touch and skin to be touched. I have ears to listen to music. I have eyes to see beauty and color and textures of the Earth. I can smell my favorite smells, rose, cardoman, baking apples, orange peel. I can breathe until I feel ease. I an shift my focus and feel free.
There is so much I have and its more than I could ever want.