As this year inches its way to a close I continue to release the old to prepare for the new. I have crossed through the dark of the womb and heat of the desert and emerged reborn. My eyes are adjusting.....my goodness it is bright.
Four years of aloneness was more than I ever expected in my life. Relationships had always come easily to me, they just appeared without effort. I had been alone for two years twice before but otherwise I was consistently in relationship. Each of these relationships were filled with awesome experiences and tonnes of learning. I bow to those men for all the teachings. Four years ago upon my own initiation I chose aloneness with a child. It was the right decision and I have been happier ever since, more myself. However, my dreams for a new life and right relationship were soon clouded by the reality of single parenting, poverty and extreme isolation. Spirit gave me some hard-ass experiences to clear some old ideas in the blood. Ancestral beliefs and pains in the matrix of my DNA challenged my optimism, tore apart my idealism and zapped my will.
Given the skills I have acquired life was always doable on my own and friends marveled at my resilience. During this time I maintained spiritual and physical strength with steadfast faith while vitality and capacity grew exponentially. Along the path however, what challenged me was that I was alone. This confused and saddened me. As I grew ever stronger in my body, sensuality and sense of self I continued to walk through what appeared to be a desert landscape. Just me and my child walking in this dry, hot desert. "How is this possible that I am here?", I often thought. The desert was alive with beauty yet stark and sometimes bleak. There seemed to be no end to it.
The heat of the desert stimulated my own heat. I consistently felt fire under my feet and rising through my body. Sometimes it was so much I thought I would burst. No intimate partner to share it with. No relationship to reflect or distract. No addictions to take me away (aside from chocolate, which sometimes worked ;))
What I learned about myself was fascinating.
In previous relationships I had kept part of my sexual energy, my very life force, hidden. I had held a fear about being too much, too alive, too happy, too sexual, too powerful, too strong, just too much. I had also given away so much of my energy in relationships. Though I was extremely frustrated at times being celibate most of these recent years, life was offering further initiation into the teachings of tantra. Could I watch the sex energy rise and expand and rise and expand and burn up all illusion? Could I watch it and not allow the energy to spill out or be given to less than loving sexual connections? Some days I felt like it would kill me. Some days I wept. Some days I screamed. Many many days I danced or walked. I stood on the Earth with bare feet and asked her to help me contain the enormity. I sweat in the lodge. I asked Spirit to help me rest and surrender and trust. I begged at times that the desert would end. Many days I hated the desert. Some days its familiarity calmed me. I kept walking.
One year ago I received a cancer diagnosis. What a weird shock. I had continued to get stronger. I felt so healthy and alive....how was this possible? I went into the dark of it to investigate the cells and their teachings. They talked to me. Ancestors revealed their lives. Fatigue everywhere. Memories surfaced. Personal but not personal. More misguided ideas. More compassion arose. More old shame, guilt and grief. More love unearthed. I worried and worried and worried. How could I care for Joshua? How could I heal this and have an income? What? What? What?!!!? I raged at God, I raged at myself, I wept in longing for a beloved to hold my hand. Out the other side of every tear and memory released, more freedom, more wisdom, more humility, more faith.
I did not agree to any recommended treatment by the medical system. Life took me to shamans and healers and I am stronger and more joyful than ever. The diagnosis served its purpose. It is done. It was a gift. It burned away my last hopes of escaping life and falling into excuses. Damn..haha! There is just love left. Joy. Readiness to share. Readiness for laughter. Readiness for adventure.
So here I am at the end of November and I am at the end of the desert. I am on the edge of a lush green land with rolling hills. It feels like I've been here before. I can feel the aliveness of the hearts of people who love me close by. As I walk with Joshua into the new land, I begin to feel the grief. Is it grief?
Ah no, it is the recognition of what I have endured. I look back and see flashes of what has passed. My heart is at ease to know there are loving hearts ahead yet it grieves that the path was necessary. A single tear falls. The mind says, "I would never wish that upon anyone." and some voice replies,.... 'but look what you have received.'
I can't change what was now. What I can do is rest in the gratitude that it is over. Though I could still say "I am alone.", I have a feeling that that is over too. I look back at the desert again. My heart is glad.
I move forward. The air is filled with moisture and possibility. The spirits and hearts of those who love me begin to move out from behind the hills and trees. I recognize them. I want to cry in relief and joy.
I breathe in. And my heart is glad.